How relationship issues show up in everyday life
A relationship can get harder little by little. Conversations go round in circles or fall silent, small hurts pile up. Sometimes trust has been broken, sometimes there is jealousy and mistrust, sometimes closeness, intimacy and sex no longer come easily. Many people then ask themselves whether to stay or leave and can't find an answer, because both feel right.
If it does come to a breakup, it can pull the rug out from under you, even if you saw it coming. Heartbreak can run deep even after a short relationship. If you were the one who was left, you often feel many things at once: pain, anger, hurt and self-doubt. Even if you were the one who left, you may be weighed down by guilt or by grief for what was good. If there are children, there is also the task of continuing to be parents together while your relationship as a couple ends.
Others notice that something keeps repeating in their relationships: similar arguments, similar roles, a similar ending. For some it is the very closeness they long for that frightens them. What is often called fear of commitment says nothing about whether you are able to have a relationship. In therapy we explore together what holds you back and what you wish for. If you want a relationship and it hasn't happened yet, that has a place here too.
Similar patterns sometimes show up in families or friendships too. All of this applies regardless of who you love and what your relationships look like.
How I work with it
I take what you are going through seriously. My focus is on what you feel and need, not on who is to blame. The other person is not present in our sessions. We talk about them as you experience them, without judging them.
Feelings for someone close are rarely clear-cut. Anger and affection, hurt and gratitude can exist side by side. I won't tell you whether to stay or leave. I support you in finding your own answer and also in living with not knowing for a while.
What you experience in relationships is sometimes connected to what is happening right now, sometimes to experiences further back. Together we find out what matters for you. Sometimes it helps to recognize your own part in a pattern without judging yourself for it.
We work through conversation, with body awareness, inner images and small experiments. Sometimes it helps to say things that had no place in everyday life, for example by imagining the other person sitting across from you; in Gestalt therapy this is called empty chair work. This only happens if you want it and at your own pace.
The first sessions
In the initial session, free and with no commitment, we get to know each other. You tell me what brings you here, in as much or as little detail as feels possible right now. I ask questions to understand your concerns and describe how I work. Afterward you can take your time to decide whether you feel in good hands with me and would like to start therapy.
You don't need to prepare. You don't need to know where to start or even what you want yet.
In our sessions I ask questions, summarize and check with you whether I have understood you correctly. Together we work out what you need right now: something to hold on to after a recent breakup, space to sort things out or a closer look at what keeps repeating in your current relationship. Some things can also be tried out in the session, such as saying no or asking clearly for what you want. Whatever feels right can come with you into your everyday life.
I don't offer couples therapy myself. It can be very helpful if you both want to work on your relationship together – I'm happy to recommend colleagues for that.
